Photography saved me from a life of cynicism and trauma. It pulled my psyche out from the dark recesses of the world of intelligence, where the value of human life is dependent on ones nationality and allegiance, a world where the lives of innocent non-Americans can be written off as ‘collateral damage’. It was a world that was corrosive to both morality and empathy. And, by the end of my tenure as an intelligence officer, I couldn’t even say I was protecting American lives; I was merely protecting American capital interests abroad. Photography has given me more than just a way to heal and crawl out from that darkness; it has given me a pathway toward redemption, to right some of the institutional wrongs of which I have been a part. For me, photography is a medium of both concentrated empathy and truth.

In line with this view of the medium of photography, my primary photographic passions and interests are environmental portraiture and reportage and documentary photography. This passion was born in the pages of the National Geographic magazines I would collect as a child. Even before I was old enough to read and understand the words, I found myself frequently moved to tears by the photographs. I still vividly remember the first time I saw Steve McCurry’s Afghan Girl on the cover of National Geographic when I was a young child. His work had a profound impact on me. Later in life, I developed an intense admiration for the work of Henri Cartier-Bresson and Arnold Newman, who have heavily informed my art.

When I practice photography, my goal is to tell a story or personally explore an issue. With my environmental portraiture, I like to tell the stories of others, but in order to tell these stories, I have to hear and connect with them first on a very personal level. It is for this reason that I call photography a medium of concentrated empathy; to adequately tell the story of another, I must connect and empathize with them. It’s a process that I find immensely healing and regenerative to the psyche and soul. I also use photography to explore my own personal issues and struggles, like my struggles with trauma, mental health, and addiction.

The struggle that informs my work the most is my struggle with masculinity. I am the child of a single-mother. I have never had a father figure or male role model in my life. My notions of masculinity were born from Michael Mann films and James Bond movies that I  watched growing up. I saw the male characters in those films and was in awe of how brave and unafraid of the world they were. It was only when I finally became one of those characters myself, as an intelligence officer, that I realized that they weren’t brave and unafraid; they were the opposite. Their worldviews and relational models are rooted in fear and insecurity. Photography is a tool I use to deconstruct masculinity and find my place in the world. To build a framework of what it means to be a man that is rooted in empathy, love, kindness, and joyful expression. A model of masculinity based on creation and connection, not destruction and disconnection.

My primary photographic goal and interest is to use the medium to explore the sociopolitical issues that are important to me. As an intelligence officer that worked in narcotics and narcoterrorism, I was a part of one of the greatest frauds ever perpetrated against the American public: the War on Drugs. I want to use my photography—informed by my experience, expertise, and trauma in this field—to speak truth to power. The social and political landscape of our Southern Border, and the United States’ actions in the region have become the issue I am most interested in photographically exploring. My overarching photographic goal is to hone and focus my artistic voice and vision to make a positive difference in the world around me.

It is for this reason that I am applying to CalArts. I have spent many years honing and refining my photographic ‘craft’, but not nearly as much time developing my art and artistic process. I spent the last year in France, embedded in different subcultures, trying to photographically explore the idea of, “What it means to be French?” It was during this experience that I realized I needed a formal education in the photographic arts. From art theory to planning and executing large-form photographic projects, I need to be in an environment, full time, where the artistic process is paramount. CalArts is the institutional embodiment of that artistic process. Not only that, but the values, the ethos, and the environment of CalArts resonate deeply with me. CalArts is at the very forefront of social justice, which is very important to me and is also a journey of continuous growth and discovery. It is essential that I  am deeply exposed to diverse and disparate experiences and worldviews that challenge my own. I am not interested in any other schools. I am applying to CalArts because I believe it will facilitate my growth as a human being and as an artist more than any other pathway.